Coach Kirstin

So I thought I would die but eventually that would pass. And things started coming into focus. And then Saturday I felt great. I was wide awake. At 1 am. The thing was, without my caffeine crutch, I had to take care of myself and get sleep. I had no way to survive otherwise because I would shut down like you hit my power button. Which actually happened while my friend and I were at a coffee shop. I laid down on the bench and went to sleep. But 7 days in and I'm full of energy. Though I'd drink coffee again in a heart beat.

Caffeine is actually one of the most addictive chemicals. It naturally occurs in your brain, so when you increase the consumption, you increase the level your brain needs. Hence the headaches when you are going through withdrawals. Morphine also naturally occurs in your brain, random facts. My headaches were the worst onTuesday. And nothing would make it go away. Yesterday they were annoying and today I'm down to a dull annoyance.

About 5 years ago I found out I had an ulcer. It sucked leading up to the discovery but I found a medicine that worked, fixed my diet and by the time I went in for my endoscopy the ulcer and damage to my esophagus was already healing. But for the better part of this year I have been having stomach trouble, which I largely attributed to the grinder I put my stomach through to cut weight. Which I did 4 times last year and 3 or 4 times this year (some never made it all the way to fights and one got scaled back when I went up a class). Ever since the last one, I've struggled but I was somewhere in the realm of depressed at not fighting for a while and "treating" myself to the things I deprived my self of. Namely Coke, Dr Pepper and Sour Patch Watermellons. All things I shouldn't eat and shouldn't eat a lot of. So 4.5 weeks ago after some prodding from one of my best friends about the Cokes I stopped. Also I knew my stomach wasn't happy. So I cleaned up my diet...

I have been doubting my ability to read people lately. It's fundamental to pretty much anything. But if you're dating, its like the first hurdle a person must get over. This past week I spent time with someone who I had almost a completely different opinion of after we hung out, in a good way, than I did before we hung out. But that, along with a few other things going on, caused me to doubt how I see people. So most of my friends know but I have been seeing a counselor since a break up, just over two years ago. She has been an invaluable asset as I have waded through shit and tried to figure me out. I want to be a better version of myself. Not in the "do better things" realm but have healthy relationships and undo the damage my mother has caused way. She's helping me get there. And she makes logic of the things I do, which I will admit I don't often understand my actions. Her analysis of my perceived inability to read people, is that I'm knowing them...