So I skipped week 11. Mostly because I was in tears about having to leave McKenna and go back to work. Mom guilt is a real thing. It also makes me very angry about the maternity leave policy in this country. It wasn’t something I honestly paid attention to before. Maybe because I wasn’t planning on being a mom for a long time. Or probably because I assumed that is just a benefit you give people. Now I am learning, we are about as good as a third world country. We don’t even give government employees a maternity benefit. No surprise that private companies wouldn’t feel obligated to provide that.
My time home with McKenna has been amazing. I know so much about her, , her likes, her preferences, her behaviors and her routine. We have had the benefit of setting our own schedule. I don’t have to rush out in the morning. I didn’t have to stress about pumping right away. I have gotten to experience so much about her. Her first smiles. Her first giggles. Recognizing me and smiling for the first time. Her first cold. Her sneezes. The hiccups that sound like a squeaker toy. Maybe I’m being sentimental now.
But all of it is something that mom’s should get to experience. I saved every hour of vacation and sick leave for the last year. I was also very fortunate to bank a bunch of extra hours during a big project last year and so I didn’t have to dip into my leave during my pregnancy. But it shouldn’t have to be that way. Pregnancy was exhausting. Your body changes so much. You should have the ability to take a sick day. Instead I worked to make up as much time as possible. We are also terrible at caring for mothers after birth. Again something I didn’t know until now.
The World Happiness Report (or an article about it) came up on my feed recently. The interesting thing I kept reading is how high the taxes are in all the countries (+/- 50%) that are ranked the highest. But the citizens don’t mind. They just know thats the cost for all the wonderful things they have like maternal and paternal leave, national health care, national no or low cost child care, etc. The thing that actually got my attention was that while they have nationally provided health care and pay higher taxes, they actually pay less for health care services. They do wait longer for said health care services but it frees up more of their disposable income. Also, the benefit of knowing daycare is just a given. Immeasurable. I was just reading more into it and it actually results in more mom’s going back to work full time and being larger contributors to household income. The cascade of events related to that is so important. I know many factors contribute to moms staying home but a huge part is the cost and/or uncertainty of care. If, as a country, we take that out of the equation…no wonder other countries are happier and the US fell an additional place this year. The husband and I talk a lot about living in another country. Part of me is torn to stay in and try and improve it. But the other part of me just wants the best for my family. Right now.
Ok enough of my social soap box. Things in the last 2 weeks
Baby books should come with warning labels of “will make Mom cry.” Dad read Someday to her while I was nursing before bed and I was in tears through almost the whole book.
She has definitely hit the point where she recognizes us and is happy about it.
We get smiles and we are just starting to have giggles. Though I think that still kind of freaks her out. Because I have been home with her, I’m definitely the favorite. Dad is still new to her. We have been working on as much time together as possible. But its really hard to share! I am so used to our moments together or cuddles and waking up. I am trying to hand her over more but I struggle with it.
I also realize how parents end up pushing their kids and defining themselves by the success of their kids. Miss M is still not a great napper but we are getting about 10.5 hours every night (minus the night I forgot her miracle blanket was still in the washing machine and it wasn’t dry in time for bed) with another 2-3 right after a feeding and diaper change. And that makes me feel pretty successful at this whole parenting thing. Think about it. I can go to bed at midnight and still get almost 7 hours of sleep. Granted the pain in my boobs makes that a rough last 1-2 hours but I’m not completely exhausted. Dealing with all the ups and downs is a whole lot easier when you have had sleep.
Dad got to go away for another 3 day weekend for a bachelor party. Trust me, Im keeping a list of things I want to make up for these trips. This one was harder. Probably because it came after my realization that I am going back to work soon, so I’m just more sensitive. Or could have been anything. She pooped on me while I was getting her into the bath. Foolishly I thought that was all of it. I wiped it off and went to get another wash cloth, only to find her floating in all her poo. This was our first (though definitely not last) poo in tub. So like any good parent, I took a picture. I sent it to the husband and he said that my first reaction of taking a picture was a parenting fail. He was joking but I got super sensitive and hateful. Again, bad timing with mom guilt. Probably if it were anyone else, I would have just punched you in the face.
Oh and if one more person in a store tells me my kid is hungry when she is screaming, you might be the next recipient of a punch to the face. Stop giving me parenting advice. You haven’t been with us the last 12 weeks more or less the last 12 minutes to know I just fucking fed her. Why do people always give unsolicited kid advice? But only when my kid is crying? Like if she is crying I must be doing it all wrong. She doesn’t cry all the time. Just in public and the car. Kids cry. That’s inevitable. That’s also something I am learning to be ok with. Initially I would freak out if she would cry. Especially in public. And trust me I know they cry if they want something. But sometimes that something is just to sit on your boob because its comforting even though they just threw up from eating too much. I’m not a terrible parent. I will eventually soothe her and we will figure it all out.
Speaking of pooping. I’m apparently not doing a very good job of washing my hands after changing diapers. I have my second infected eye of her short little 12 weeks of life. I also managed to get ring worm…on the back of trap. This is actually my second time getting it there, first was towards the end of my pregnancy. WTF am I touching back there to get ring worm… I also don’t really know where I got it. Since I have made it to the gym all of about 5 times since her birth. Speaking of which, I decided to hold myself accountable. I asked the all knowledgeable Don to create workouts for me. Partly because I was letting myself off the hook. Partly because it was just too much to decide what I should work on. Its also really fucking hard to start over. I didn’t workout for 6 weeks. I don’t know the last time in my life that happened. Probably 14 years ago when I first moved here. Stress fractures, surgeries, boots/ casts. Through it all I kept doing something. Anything. By the way, people look at you really funny when you ride a stationary bike with a cast on. So in her 12th week I made it to hit the bag and for 2 crossfit workouts.
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