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Accepting my body

I'm writing this post about 2 weeks before I plan on publishing it.  Why?  Because I am 10 weeks pregnant and we have not announced it yet.  Things are going well (knock on wood) but I am 36 so I am just being cautious before we tell the world.  But I am struggling with accepting my body as it is.  There are a couple of factors playing into this.  First, I had a scar treatment on the old (21 years) scar on my knee.  It was supposed to break up the scar tissue and make it better.  It didn't.  It opened up the old scar in multiple places.  After one round of antibiotics, a lot of cleaning, butterfly bandaids and not bending it, it is almost closed.  11 weeks later.  Second reason, I am beyond exhausted.  I read that you will be more tired the first trimester of your pregnancy but wow.  I am struggling just to make it through the work day.  Going to the gym almost seems impossible.  On a regular, I am taking a nap during the day.  I would like to say its just a 30 minute cat nap but more often than not its about 2.5 hours,  that or I'm in bed by about 8.  I'm not even a napper!  I am trying to listen to my body and give it what it needs.

I am trying to give my self grace.

Knowing that I haven't really been able to work out for most of last 10 weeks.  I went from not bending my leg to then having to scrape myself off the floor to get through the day.

But its not easy.

I know where I have been.  I know what I am capable of.  And I see my self in the mirror and it makes me sad that my arms looks smaller and less muscular.  Funny because Chris and I were in New Orleans about 2 years ago and I made my friend take a picture of us multiple times because my arms looked like man arms.   I look in the mirror and I am not sure if the belly that is growing is a baby belly or a food belly.  All those carbs to ease my queasiness aren't helping anything.

Again, trying to give myself grace.  Things will get better soon.  Supposedly.

I actually have the best intentions every day.  I wake up full of energy.  Take my gym bag with me.  And by the end of the day I feel like I have been run over by a truck.

I don't have a good answer for how to deal with this.  Other than to wait and hope it improves. I will continue to try and eat healthy.  Get as much sleep as I can.  And when my inner critic creeps in, I will try and tell her to shut the fuck up.
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