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Red Pill or Blue Pill



The last couple months have been some time away from the gym for me.  I was physically limited by the injury to my finger and about the same time I started having stomach trouble.  I am unfortunately no stranger to stomach trouble and had an ulcer about 5 years ago.  It felt like that all over again.  So on top of not being able to train as much as I want, I was eating everything I shouldn’t to settle my stomach, lots of bread and rice.  Needless to say my weight got the highest its ever been in my life.   

But with all of this going on, all I was worried about was my weight.  Not getting healthy but being crazy obsessed with my weight.  Because I hear it constantly “your getting fat, I can see it right there,” “your butts getting big” or just the general “don’t get fat”.  It all makes me feel a bit crazy.  And it was pushing me away from the thing I loved. Taking away that love and making it something I hated.  I hated hearing all those things.  Even the most confident person can only take it for so long.  So I was mentally stepping away.  I needed a break.  I'd be there but not commit to anyone other than crossfit, because crossfit doesn’t care what my weight is.  I decided that the gym wouldn’t dictate my life.  That I would go out with my friends more.  That it wouldn’t take 5 weeks to plan something with friends because I have 2 free nights and 1 free day.  I decided to fill my life outside of the gym.  I decided my life was ready for a dog, so I decided to foster a dog.  I decided to reevaluate where I was heading with my life and my career.  I gave my self a timeline of 3 months.   

And then I missed the gym.  3 weeks into my 3 months.  I really did try and stay away.  But its like my drug.  I needed it.  And wanted it back.  I started working with a nutritionist and my stomach began to heal and my weight started to come back down.  I decided where my line was with how much time I was willing to spend in the gym.  That I could take a random day off to spend with friends that were important to me, even if it wasn't my rest day.  That its ok if my weight goes up and down.  I know what I need to do to make it come off.  I can still enjoy a meal but I also will eat right to get the best performance out of my body as possible.

I also came to the larger realization that I am ok with an uncertain outcome with regards to my fighting.  I am a very goal oriented person.  I set something, I achieve it and I set the next goal.  But with fighting, I'm not sure where I'm going with it. It will never pay my bills but it also dictates almost everything about my life.  I'm ok with that.  I'm choosing an uncertain future on a path of being truly happy and loving what I get to do.  Instead of mediocrity.





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