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On death and dying

I try to keep my posts to the fitness, food and health realm and I suppose this is but not of maintaining and growing but of ending. Due to circumstances out of my control, I'm directly involved with the care of my grandparents. As their health continues to fail, it brings many things about my life into sharper focus and adds a lot of perspective.
I have spent the past 52 hours watching my grandfather struggle. And not seeing the will to live in his eyes. I see the desire to not hurt and to not want to struggle but not to live. I see my grandmother struggling more than ever without him around. Together they function as a semi-capable person. Apart, they don't know what to do. Despite all of my love for them, I never want this for myself. And wonder if there becomes a time when you decide to give up.
For me, I have no desire to live any way but under my own faculties. I have expressed this to my love but have yet to put it on paper. Shame on me but there are currently many other things I need my lawyer for. It comes down to being able to live my life as I want. When I retire, I fully expect my days to be full and active. Visiting friends, family and places I have yet to know. Eating all things and passing out exhausted from my adventures, mush as I do now just minus the day job. I see my grandmother unable to get up the stairs to do her own laundry, yet I bound up them with ease. What is the joy in that? What are you waiting for? It's not as though things are going to get better. Your just made comfortable until you die. And I don't want that and I don't understand who does. What satisfaction can be gotten from that? I have struggled immensely to over come my injuries. There were days it wasn't easy but there was progress. What do you do when there stops being progress?
I'm struggling to know what a person is holding on to at the or why.

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