Disappointment

I put an immense amount of pressure on myself when competing.  Who am I kidding, I put an immense amount of pressure on myself with almost everything.  Not that I wasn’t incredibly nervous, as always, about fighting yesterday but I was really looking forward to it.  It’s been almost 5 months since I fought.  I was looking forward to learning.  To the experience of fighting someone new for Muay Thai (I have had two smoker fights against the same person).  To learn something new about stepping into the ring.  To putting one more fight under my belt.  But my opponent withdrew at the last minute due to an injury from an earlier fight.  I’m still struggling to find the words to describe what that felt like.  It was 8 weeks of dieting, training, restricting myself, preparing mentally and physically, cutting water, not sleeping, stressing out and it burst in one wave of the ref’s hand with a no show.  It was such a bubble of emotion, I almost cried.  Several times over the next hour.  But one of my teammates had the great idea to go to Sonic on our way back.  And we ran into other teammates there.  The 7 of us laughed, joked and ate like we didn’t have weigh-ins any time soon.  My team is family.  And at that moment nothing felt better than to be around my family laughing.   

I try to live by the idea that everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes it’s quickly known.  Sometimes it takes a while.  I have to try and believe that I was not supposed to fight yesterday for a reason.  I don’t know what that was yet.

On the drive home, I became anxious for my next fight.  Thinking of ways I could get something soon.  Remembering things we had talked about or heard of.  And over the course of that drive I came to realize I also need a break or at least my week that I get after a fight.  And next week, when I go back to the gym, I’ll talk to the coaches then and get it figured out.  But until then, I get to relax and not think about fighting.